Last night, I chopped a jalepeno for dinner and somehow a bit of it squirted in my eye. Like any good Marx Brother, I immediately dropped the knife on the cutting board and grabbed at my eye with my hands. Unfortunately those hands had just been cutting a jalepeno, so I managed to further burn my eye.Since my sink was full of dirty dishes (I'm such a remarkable homemaker, really), I ran to the bathroom to rinse out my eye. In the background, Allen called, "Are you okay?" I gave him a terse, "No," on my way up the stairs.
In the bathroom, I awkwardly squished my head sideways under the faucett and began running cold water. Unfortunately, the jalepeno juice ran from one eye into the other, causing me to bang my head on the faucett.
I started doing the two-hand water scoop in the eyes routine and realized that some of the jalepeno was stuck on my water-proof mascara. As I tried to remove it, the burning intensified from all the rubbing.
Allen googled the problem and called out helpful suggestions: "You can rinse with milk, use Visine, or try Benedryl."
I don't actually keep Visine handy; I'm not sure if I want milk in my eyes as well as jalepeno, and I didn't think the orally ingested Benedryl would do much (I certainly wasn't about to rub the lotion on my eye!).
I decided my particular comic routine for the night would end with water and makeup remover, rather than with the funnier "milk in eye sketch."
8 comments:
Your homemaking skills sound like mine. I swear Steve comes home and gives me the "and you did what today" look. It makes me want to squirt jalepenos juice in his eye.
The fourth Marx Brother, Zeppo, was always the straight man. It seems you've done a lousy job of taking his role. However, replace your shouting with some amount of horn honking, and you'd be a dead ringer for Harpo.
And I always considered myself Groucho to Garrett's Harpo. So is the other brother the infamously ill-fated Hercumer that Dad always told us about?
Perhaps it's really more of the Moe and Curly thing (think of a bald Garrett) and you could be Larry - oh wait we already have a brother Larry . . .
go go Captain Coordination!
I'm with Dan on this one: the physicality of the routine -- specifically the awkwardly-placed head in the sink and the banging of the head on the faucet -- makes it more of a Stooges homage than a Marx brothers one.
Still: entertaining to the end.
Quinn
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is definitely the best post of the week. One time Anna was cooking spicy Korean food for a dinner after church, and then put her contacts in with her pepper-soaked fingers, only to realize a)that was really stupid, and b)she had no extra contacts. The terrifying part was when she still tried to drive to church, but with two contact-less pepper-inflamed eyes.
On a more serious note, is your eye okay?
yes, thanks for asking, the water method did the trick--and I won't be trying any Internet "healing" methods anytime soon.
Sorry it took me so long to comment on the post I just poured tobasco sause in my eyes and tried to neutralize it's effects with tooth paste and vinegar, the combination of which may have triggered the swine flu...
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